god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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