I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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