so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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