they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
