I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
