I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
