This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
i think my cat just said my name.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
