Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Randomize
