morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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