my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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