alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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