I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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