At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
