I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
