She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
