Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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