So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
