HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
