The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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