i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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