the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
