i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
