dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
And then he peed in my hair
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