Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Randomize
