I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I deserve this hangover.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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