Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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