An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
