I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
