On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
