Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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