woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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