I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
