I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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