Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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