My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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