Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
