It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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