my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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