Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
