New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
