Moan for me like Helen Keller
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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