It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
