i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
