happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Randomize
