new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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