It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
