i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
All I want is dick and wine.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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