Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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