I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
