Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
