You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I want a musical about memes.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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