What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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